Dream Job--Livin' It
I've worked at the same place for the past four years. I'm a student secretary. I know a lot of stuff. Some might even say that I'm a valuable asset, but I'm pretty sure that they could train anyone to do my very same job in about a week--but with nowhere near my finesse. This past summer I worked part-time for one professor in particular--which was fine, except that he was rarely there and when he was, he never gave me enough to do. I watched all of "Breakfast at Tiffany's" on youtube, as well as numerous episodes of "American's Next Top Model"--a show that I have an inexplicable affinity for. Maybe I'm vicariously living out my dream of being 5'11 and 120 lbs with poochy lips and a huge forehead. Who knows?
At any rate. Just in case my employer decides to kick me to the curb (she won't) for someone they can employ for cheaper (I didn't get a raise for the first year or two, then one suddenly came--they've been right on schedule ever since. Each fall I get informed that my hourly wage is going up. I, politely, do not refuse this.), I will now write a list of all the magical information that I have/know that no one could possibly have/know if they were not me. I will keep this is the secure archives of my blog where I can wield it if ever my job comes in jeopardy (again--it won't). Heaven help me if my competitors read this and discover my secret crystal.
Evidence of my expertise:
1. I know the location of the candy drawer.
2. I have two departmental keys. One is in my possession by accident.
3. I have never met a copier jam that I couldn't solve after a little opening and slamming of drawers, turning of wheels, and, in one instance, poking with a unbent paperclip.
4. The people at the parking office no longer have conniption fits when I pick up the parking passes--which students are never supposed to do.
5. I have codes to three or four different doors memorized.
6. I can tell you how to get to room 201.
7. I created the flier for Dr. O's family Christmas party.
8. I could write a book containing all the marriage advice that Dr. H has given me.
9. Whenever Dr. P says, "Amanda, could you help me for a second?" I know that she has some computer project for me which may or may not be possible.
10. I have perfected the art of wearing headphones so I can listen to music and still be attentive to the professors.
11. I know where the batteries are kept.
12. I'm good at annoying small talk.
13. You have never heard "Exercise Sciences, this is Amanda" as smoothly as you will hear it when I answer your call.
14. I can remember Larry's last four hairstyles.
15. I know where to find the best water fountains and not only the best bathrooms, but the best stalls within bathrooms.
16. I have never been run down by the men's cross country team while crossing the indoor track.
17. I answer to both "Amanda" and "Amber."
18. No one hates me.
19. I can tell when interoffice politics are reaching high tide and can act both innocent and comfortingly bewildered.
20. I know where the polar bear Christmas sleigh decoration is hid.
21. I know how to handle Google Docs for the athletic training students.
22. I know basic biographical information about Henry, the parrot that used to live in our office.
23. I understand the full significance of Dr. GM wearing shoes and not Birks.
24. I can smell a lost student from at least fifty yards away.
25. I try to sort the recycling.
Writing this list was exhausting and not enjoyable. Don't fire me.
At any rate. Just in case my employer decides to kick me to the curb (she won't) for someone they can employ for cheaper (I didn't get a raise for the first year or two, then one suddenly came--they've been right on schedule ever since. Each fall I get informed that my hourly wage is going up. I, politely, do not refuse this.), I will now write a list of all the magical information that I have/know that no one could possibly have/know if they were not me. I will keep this is the secure archives of my blog where I can wield it if ever my job comes in jeopardy (again--it won't). Heaven help me if my competitors read this and discover my secret crystal.
Evidence of my expertise:
1. I know the location of the candy drawer.
2. I have two departmental keys. One is in my possession by accident.
3. I have never met a copier jam that I couldn't solve after a little opening and slamming of drawers, turning of wheels, and, in one instance, poking with a unbent paperclip.
4. The people at the parking office no longer have conniption fits when I pick up the parking passes--which students are never supposed to do.
5. I have codes to three or four different doors memorized.
6. I can tell you how to get to room 201.
7. I created the flier for Dr. O's family Christmas party.
8. I could write a book containing all the marriage advice that Dr. H has given me.
9. Whenever Dr. P says, "Amanda, could you help me for a second?" I know that she has some computer project for me which may or may not be possible.
10. I have perfected the art of wearing headphones so I can listen to music and still be attentive to the professors.
11. I know where the batteries are kept.
12. I'm good at annoying small talk.
13. You have never heard "Exercise Sciences, this is Amanda" as smoothly as you will hear it when I answer your call.
14. I can remember Larry's last four hairstyles.
15. I know where to find the best water fountains and not only the best bathrooms, but the best stalls within bathrooms.
16. I have never been run down by the men's cross country team while crossing the indoor track.
17. I answer to both "Amanda" and "Amber."
18. No one hates me.
19. I can tell when interoffice politics are reaching high tide and can act both innocent and comfortingly bewildered.
20. I know where the polar bear Christmas sleigh decoration is hid.
21. I know how to handle Google Docs for the athletic training students.
22. I know basic biographical information about Henry, the parrot that used to live in our office.
23. I understand the full significance of Dr. GM wearing shoes and not Birks.
24. I can smell a lost student from at least fifty yards away.
25. I try to sort the recycling.
Writing this list was exhausting and not enjoyable. Don't fire me.
posted by Sylvia Louise at
11:02 PM
5 Comments:
Don't worry. I'll take your job when they fire you for stealing the credit card... I mean...
I did NOT steal it. It was accidentally still in my wallet. Whose side are you on anyway? I can't BELIEVE this. Where's the loyalty these days?
#19 will be a major asset for whatever job you have next. Really.
I've done many office jobs over the course of my working experience and it is amazing to me how undervalued secretarial work is, and how most people are so awful at it. I think my list would look very similar to this.
Even as a teacher my expertise with high yield xerox machines has been instrumental in getting me on the fast track to popularity (the one that's circular).
I will say, you definitely have more marketable skill than a certain someone I know. Now who's getting the short end of the stick?
Hey hey hey, come on... If we end up going back to Japan, you're going to need someone to explain what the heck everyone is saying. Mom is not so good at that. Trust me. I pretty much always ask dad what things mean when I have questions about Japanese. Mom usually ends up frustrated and saying, "That's just the way it is" and uses the word I'm asking about to define it.
ahhh, this brings back good memories of my days in the HPRC and the ES offices. I watched several episodes of Naruto on youtube--if that gives you an idea at how extremely more unbusy my job was than yours in the main office (I don't even like the show but I was so insanely bored!). I thought it was sad when Henry left. And I'm pretty sure there were students that left my office hating me. I was pretty unhelpful sometimes--not on purpose of course. Ditto for the photocopier; I find myself instructing people on how to use/fix them wherever I go.
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