NOW EVEN SOFTER

I was looking at a package of those "Grandma's" cookies today. On the top left corner of the package in yellow print it said, "NOW EVEN SOFTER!" It made me wonder: softer? Is there a noticeable increase in softness? Is that even something you'd want? I mean, come on, what kind of preservatives had to have been injected into those cookies to make them soft like that? Formaldehyde, probably. That's the thing with those cookies--when eating them there is no way you can trick yourself into thinking there are any health benefits to be gained. Every time I eat them I feel like I'm voluntarily clogging my arteries, welcoming early-onset Alzheimer's and encouraging all cancers. But they're EVEN SOFTER. Gross. Is that a good selling point? I wonder how many people that little phrase has cajoled into buying them. Myrna goes to the store. Stands transfixed in the cookie/snack aisle. Oreo's? Grasshoppers? Milano's? Products of the Keebler elves? Her eyes pass over the shelves of packaged cookies, scanning, searching, rejecting and taking note. She pauses at a box of individually packaged Grandma's cookies--"no," she thinks, "best to go with the Fig Newtons." She is about to move on, already reaching towards the fruit-and-cake delights, fingers just beginning to close on the yellow plastic when--suddenly (!) she sees those fateful words, "NOW EVEN SOFTER!" A pause! A gasp! Unable to resist, she seizes the box of Grandma's SOFTER cookies. Her heart is won. The battle is over. She walks away, fatigued, and pushes her shopping cart (with a sticky back left wheel) towards the bright lights of checkout counter #4 (Express Lane--about 10 items or less).
I mean really--was it that good of a marketing idea? NOW EVEN SOFTER--it makes me want to gag EVEN more.

Side note: fast food makes me depressed. Well, when it's of the burgers-and-fries variety. If I eat a burger at McDonald's, it's sure to make me feel hopeless and a little put-upon.